Whenever I hear that someone I know has cancer, or if I see someone on twitter and tumblr saying they have cancer I always seem to freeze up. I mean, my heart completely goes out to them but I just never know what to say. On one hand, I know what they're going through. Not firsthand because I've never had it, but my entire life has been about illness. My brother had cancer, my father had cancer and heart disease, and my mother had diabetes. All of this happened when I turned 12. I had...nothing. I was always the healthy one. I had to sit back and watch the people I loved go through the fight of their lives.
Now I will readily and adamantly agree that their struggle was much worse than mine. They had to go through the pain the illness caused and the even greater pain the treatments caused. Still, it's not easy having to witness your family in so much pain, knowing there's nothing you could do about it. I couldn't help, I couldn't make it better, heck, I was just a little kid. I was confused and scared of losing them. It sucked.
The worst part is that it didn't all turn out all right. My father died when I was 16, my brother died 10 years later, my mom 9 years after that. As much as I would like to comfort and commiserate with someone who has cancer, because I feel like I'm an expert at it since I've had cancer in my world for most of my life, I just can't. If I try to tell them my experience with it, it would probably scare them more than anything. I don't have a story of cancer survival. All I have is a lonely existence where a family used to be.
So I say nothing because I don't know what else to do.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
New Name
I think I finally found a new name for my blog. I've rechristened it "Through the Mirror of My Mind" to replace the old name which was "Veronica's Thoughts or Lack Thereof". I never liked that name so I really did need something else.
The name comes from the song "Reflections" by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I certainly hope anyone reading my blog (no one does) would be able to identify a Motown song. Motown music is like a little slice of heaven here on earth. Please, please, please start listening to it immediately if you don't already.
Anyway, so this is the new blog name unless I happen to think of something better.
The name comes from the song "Reflections" by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I certainly hope anyone reading my blog (no one does) would be able to identify a Motown song. Motown music is like a little slice of heaven here on earth. Please, please, please start listening to it immediately if you don't already.
Anyway, so this is the new blog name unless I happen to think of something better.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Death In the Family
I was thinking about my family today, though I think of and remember them most days, and I just couldn't help missing them so much. If you follow me on tumblr, you might have seen me call @haurdCider (tumblr softsoftcider) my brother. Truth is, that's bullshit. We've just been joking around telling people we're brother and sister, but we're not. We love each other like brother and sister, I mean we tell each other everything and we always support each other, but we're not related. No, I'm talking about my real family, who unfortunately, are no longer living.
My father died when I was 16. I guess he died of heart failure technically, but it was a result of the liver cancer he had had for years. He was terminal (obviously) and the doctors only gave him a couple of weeks to live, but all-in-all he lived for about two years after his diagnosis. He died at about 6:30 in the morning on a weekday and for some reason (I think I might have been sick) I was sleeping with my mother at the time. My dad had his own bedroom because he had too much pain and this contraption inserted into his body that delivered the chemotherapy so they had separate bedrooms for a while. Anyway, my mother and I were awoken with a crash in the kitchen. My mom got up to see what was going on and a minute later she called out to me. "Veronica, come quick. It's your father!" My dad had pretty much just dropped dead. I hate to put it that way because it sounds dismissive, but there's no other way to describe it. So, there I was 16 and no father. Yes, this is why I have daddy issues. Whatever.
My brother died 10 years later when I was 26. My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease when he was about 14. He went through 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation before finally going into remission when he was 17. 6 years later Vini (short for Vincent) was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He fought it for several years before dying at the age of 28. He was my only brother and his death just devastated my mother.
My mom died a few years later in 2006. Like I said, the death of my brother destroyed her. They say there is no greater tragedy to go through than the death of a child, and you can certainly prove that by my mother. She had diabetes for most of my life, but had been able to control it with diet and medication. When Vini died her body started to systematically die too. She had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery. Then her kidneys shut down and she had to go for dialysis 3 times a week. I tried many times to convince the doctor to give her one of my kidneys but he said her she would not survive that kind of surgery. Mom's feet then became gangrenous and both of her legs had to be amputated. Watching my Mom, who was the most important person in the world to me, slowly slip away from me little by little was the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. She eventually died from all of her conditions and I was left alone.
People sometimes wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm so emotionally dead, why I have a hard time connecting with other people...this is why. My heart has been shattered to pieces by the deaths of my family. My mom dying, who was the person I loved most in this world and who loved me more than anyone else ever will, killed me. I've often felt guilt all my life because I've never had one single serious health issue. Not once. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Big deal. I'm the sole survivor of my family and I hate it. I have to admit that I often pray for my death. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm too Catholic for something like that, but I still pray to get sick and die. Well, not all the time. This is just an occasional depression that I slip into sometimes when I'm missing my family, but I do feel like this sometimes. I really have to struggle to give myself reasons that life is good sometimes. I guess now is one of those times.
My father died when I was 16. I guess he died of heart failure technically, but it was a result of the liver cancer he had had for years. He was terminal (obviously) and the doctors only gave him a couple of weeks to live, but all-in-all he lived for about two years after his diagnosis. He died at about 6:30 in the morning on a weekday and for some reason (I think I might have been sick) I was sleeping with my mother at the time. My dad had his own bedroom because he had too much pain and this contraption inserted into his body that delivered the chemotherapy so they had separate bedrooms for a while. Anyway, my mother and I were awoken with a crash in the kitchen. My mom got up to see what was going on and a minute later she called out to me. "Veronica, come quick. It's your father!" My dad had pretty much just dropped dead. I hate to put it that way because it sounds dismissive, but there's no other way to describe it. So, there I was 16 and no father. Yes, this is why I have daddy issues. Whatever.
My brother died 10 years later when I was 26. My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease when he was about 14. He went through 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation before finally going into remission when he was 17. 6 years later Vini (short for Vincent) was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He fought it for several years before dying at the age of 28. He was my only brother and his death just devastated my mother.
My mom died a few years later in 2006. Like I said, the death of my brother destroyed her. They say there is no greater tragedy to go through than the death of a child, and you can certainly prove that by my mother. She had diabetes for most of my life, but had been able to control it with diet and medication. When Vini died her body started to systematically die too. She had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery. Then her kidneys shut down and she had to go for dialysis 3 times a week. I tried many times to convince the doctor to give her one of my kidneys but he said her she would not survive that kind of surgery. Mom's feet then became gangrenous and both of her legs had to be amputated. Watching my Mom, who was the most important person in the world to me, slowly slip away from me little by little was the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. She eventually died from all of her conditions and I was left alone.
People sometimes wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm so emotionally dead, why I have a hard time connecting with other people...this is why. My heart has been shattered to pieces by the deaths of my family. My mom dying, who was the person I loved most in this world and who loved me more than anyone else ever will, killed me. I've often felt guilt all my life because I've never had one single serious health issue. Not once. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Big deal. I'm the sole survivor of my family and I hate it. I have to admit that I often pray for my death. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm too Catholic for something like that, but I still pray to get sick and die. Well, not all the time. This is just an occasional depression that I slip into sometimes when I'm missing my family, but I do feel like this sometimes. I really have to struggle to give myself reasons that life is good sometimes. I guess now is one of those times.
What's In a Name?
I feel kind of bad because I haven't done much writing this weekend. I have posted a few things on twitter and tumblr, but nothing in what I'm now considering my "journal" and not much here either since Friday night. It's just been a weird weekend for me so far since my cousin Carol is out of town and I don't have any plans. Also, it's like 95 degrees outside and so, yeah, I'm not leaving the house.
So, I was thinking that I might want to change the name of this blog. I don't like it. I recently changed the name of my tumblr from "Veronica's Tumblr and Shit" to "Livin' La Vida Vodka". Much better, don't you think? Now I'd like to rechristen this blog, but I have no idea what to change the name to. I put a lot of myself on tumblr, but I put even more of myself on this blog, or at least that's the plan. The name should somehow capture the fact that this is my life, my thoughts, my writing, my ramblings etc. I'm not changing it until I have the perfect name, and I will know instantly the moment I find it.
So, I was thinking that I might want to change the name of this blog. I don't like it. I recently changed the name of my tumblr from "Veronica's Tumblr and Shit" to "Livin' La Vida Vodka". Much better, don't you think? Now I'd like to rechristen this blog, but I have no idea what to change the name to. I put a lot of myself on tumblr, but I put even more of myself on this blog, or at least that's the plan. The name should somehow capture the fact that this is my life, my thoughts, my writing, my ramblings etc. I'm not changing it until I have the perfect name, and I will know instantly the moment I find it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
If at first you don't succeed...
I was thinking about a meme that's going on over on tumblr that is quaintly called "resumeme" and basically has people list their prior positions. I considered posting mine, but only including my last job which was AVP of Quality Control in the Auto Loan Division of a major bank on the East Coast. It was my "dream job" and I was at the top of my game in my chosen career after working in the banking industry for 12 years. It was a relatively fast climb up the corporate ladder considering I started at the bottom, as a temp no less, in Wisconsin and then had to almost start over in Connecticut when I moved there in 2006. I was going to lament my bad fortune in being laid off because of the recession (the entire Auto Loan Division was shut down - no one was buying cars anymore and no one had good enough credit to get a car loan) and remark on how right now the only thing I can think of to do is possibly tend bar for a while. Then I realized, that it's not all the fault of the economy. I share a lot of the blame too. See, after losing my dream job which was just the latest in a series of life crushing events that befell me at the time, I pretty much gave up. Oh, I went through the motions of applying for other jobs at area banks, but who am I kidding? My heart wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in anything at that point. I've kind of been a zombie for the past couple of years because I couldn't find the energy to care about what happens to me.
How did all of this happen? My mom got sick, I had to leave my job, she died, I left the state,...all kinds of life altering events that culminated in me being stranded in a state where I didn't really know anyone, in a relationship that hadn't been working since day one, unemployed, and so unhappy I was silently screaming inside my head for the longest time.
The weird thing is how twitter kind of brought me back to life. Comedy brought me back to the world. Writing made me feel like a person again. Now, I don't know what's going to happen to me or what I'm going to end up doing, but I don't want the life I had before. I know I should, because it was a nice little life, but I don't want to try to put things back together and find that I'm not able to. That might be more disappointment than I can bear. I'd rather use this as a do-over. If I had to do it all over again, I would have stuck with writing, doing improv, and performing like I did when I was younger instead of taking the "easy" road and going into the business world.
Hey, I might suck at it, but what have I got to lose? They say life begins at 40...well, I plan to see if this is true or not.
How did all of this happen? My mom got sick, I had to leave my job, she died, I left the state,...all kinds of life altering events that culminated in me being stranded in a state where I didn't really know anyone, in a relationship that hadn't been working since day one, unemployed, and so unhappy I was silently screaming inside my head for the longest time.
The weird thing is how twitter kind of brought me back to life. Comedy brought me back to the world. Writing made me feel like a person again. Now, I don't know what's going to happen to me or what I'm going to end up doing, but I don't want the life I had before. I know I should, because it was a nice little life, but I don't want to try to put things back together and find that I'm not able to. That might be more disappointment than I can bear. I'd rather use this as a do-over. If I had to do it all over again, I would have stuck with writing, doing improv, and performing like I did when I was younger instead of taking the "easy" road and going into the business world.
Hey, I might suck at it, but what have I got to lose? They say life begins at 40...well, I plan to see if this is true or not.
I'm Back
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted on this blog. I've been spending a lot of time on tumblr. It's a nice site and I like it for all of its socialization factors (everyone from twitter seems to be there), but I just realized that it isn't really a tool for writing an actual blog. It's more of a display case.
Look at the songs I like!
Look at this video!
Here's another picture of my face!
Here's my boobs!
Look at how funny and popular I am!
I mean, there are some people who occasionally really dig deep and give more than just the surface stuff, but there don't seem to be that many who do that. It's almost like facebook where you can write a few short sentences about the things that happened to you that day and let your followers 'heart' it. I'm not knocking it because I like tumblr very much, but I just need to get back to writing things that mean something to me. Even if no one else reads them.
I've been reading this book called The Comedy Bible. It's a guide for people who want to be comedy writers. Now I don't know if I am going to be a comedy writer when I grow up or anything, but I'm a big fan of comedy and I've always enjoyed writing. I was told all through high school and college that I had a knack for it and I have a very nice writing style. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that I like it. In the book, the author says that the minute you wake up in the morning you need to grab paper and pen and just write for 10 minutes. Before you go to the bathroom, before you've had your coffee, before anything else and just write. Even if you don't have anything funny to write, just do it. I've been doing it for about a week now and I have to say the exercise itself feels great. No, I haven't written anything earth shattering or even anything I would want to share here, but it just feels really good to get up in the morning, grab my composition book and pen and just go at it. In fact, I find myself grabbing the book and just writing at all times of the day now. Just because I feel like I have so many thoughts I just want to get down and save for later. Thoughts that could perhaps be expanded into something else at some point. Who knows?
Well, that's why I've decided to resurrect this blog. I actually don't really care for handwriting too much because mine looks like that of a serial killer, though I will continue to do it as the need arises, especially first thing in the morning. I just think for other times of the day, if I'm at my computer and I have something I want to write about I'm going to go ahead and write it here.
Look at the songs I like!
Look at this video!
Here's another picture of my face!
Here's my boobs!
Look at how funny and popular I am!
I mean, there are some people who occasionally really dig deep and give more than just the surface stuff, but there don't seem to be that many who do that. It's almost like facebook where you can write a few short sentences about the things that happened to you that day and let your followers 'heart' it. I'm not knocking it because I like tumblr very much, but I just need to get back to writing things that mean something to me. Even if no one else reads them.
I've been reading this book called The Comedy Bible. It's a guide for people who want to be comedy writers. Now I don't know if I am going to be a comedy writer when I grow up or anything, but I'm a big fan of comedy and I've always enjoyed writing. I was told all through high school and college that I had a knack for it and I have a very nice writing style. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that I like it. In the book, the author says that the minute you wake up in the morning you need to grab paper and pen and just write for 10 minutes. Before you go to the bathroom, before you've had your coffee, before anything else and just write. Even if you don't have anything funny to write, just do it. I've been doing it for about a week now and I have to say the exercise itself feels great. No, I haven't written anything earth shattering or even anything I would want to share here, but it just feels really good to get up in the morning, grab my composition book and pen and just go at it. In fact, I find myself grabbing the book and just writing at all times of the day now. Just because I feel like I have so many thoughts I just want to get down and save for later. Thoughts that could perhaps be expanded into something else at some point. Who knows?
Well, that's why I've decided to resurrect this blog. I actually don't really care for handwriting too much because mine looks like that of a serial killer, though I will continue to do it as the need arises, especially first thing in the morning. I just think for other times of the day, if I'm at my computer and I have something I want to write about I'm going to go ahead and write it here.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thou Shalt Not Blog When Crabby
I'm kind of crabby so I probably shouldn't be doing this, but it's been a while since I've blogged and besides I need an outlet to vent.
I'm okay with the fact that most people on twitter either don't believe in God or pretend not to. I'm completely aware that I'm of a small minority of people on twitter who openly admit that I am somewhat religious and I do believe in a higher power. I don't take offense to the anti-religion, anti-God, and anti-Jesus jokes. To each their own. I've starred them when I thought they were funny and I've even been known to blaspheme for comedic effect. I honestly have no problem with non-believers.
What irks me are the ones who in one tweet claim to be an atheist and then in their next tweet blame God for recent tragedies. Which is it? Do you believe God exists or not? He can't be held accountable for the shootings in Arizona if he doesn't exist. I don't know. Maybe you were just trying to be funny, but I didn't see that it as having a funny tone. I will be the first to admit that I can be obtuse sometimes, so maybe I'm just not getting it, but I really don't think it was meant to be a joke. If I'm wrong I apologize.
Again, I have no problem with atheists, as long as they have no problem with the fact I believe in God. Despite my very dirty tweets, bad language, blasphemes, and everything else, I do pray and occasionally go to church. Not very often, but I do go sometimes. Maybe I'm the one who is a hypocrite because I tweet certain kinds of jokes, live a certain way, but still believe in God. I would argue that I am fully cognizant of the evils that I do, and I believe I will have to answer for them one day, but I am what I am. I do what I do. I say what I say, and I believe what I believe.
I fucking hate Truthful Tuesday.
I'm okay with the fact that most people on twitter either don't believe in God or pretend not to. I'm completely aware that I'm of a small minority of people on twitter who openly admit that I am somewhat religious and I do believe in a higher power. I don't take offense to the anti-religion, anti-God, and anti-Jesus jokes. To each their own. I've starred them when I thought they were funny and I've even been known to blaspheme for comedic effect. I honestly have no problem with non-believers.
What irks me are the ones who in one tweet claim to be an atheist and then in their next tweet blame God for recent tragedies. Which is it? Do you believe God exists or not? He can't be held accountable for the shootings in Arizona if he doesn't exist. I don't know. Maybe you were just trying to be funny, but I didn't see that it as having a funny tone. I will be the first to admit that I can be obtuse sometimes, so maybe I'm just not getting it, but I really don't think it was meant to be a joke. If I'm wrong I apologize.
Again, I have no problem with atheists, as long as they have no problem with the fact I believe in God. Despite my very dirty tweets, bad language, blasphemes, and everything else, I do pray and occasionally go to church. Not very often, but I do go sometimes. Maybe I'm the one who is a hypocrite because I tweet certain kinds of jokes, live a certain way, but still believe in God. I would argue that I am fully cognizant of the evils that I do, and I believe I will have to answer for them one day, but I am what I am. I do what I do. I say what I say, and I believe what I believe.
I fucking hate Truthful Tuesday.
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