I was thinking about my family today, though I think of and remember them most days, and I just couldn't help missing them so much. If you follow me on tumblr, you might have seen me call @haurdCider (tumblr softsoftcider) my brother. Truth is, that's bullshit. We've just been joking around telling people we're brother and sister, but we're not. We love each other like brother and sister, I mean we tell each other everything and we always support each other, but we're not related. No, I'm talking about my real family, who unfortunately, are no longer living.
My father died when I was 16. I guess he died of heart failure technically, but it was a result of the liver cancer he had had for years. He was terminal (obviously) and the doctors only gave him a couple of weeks to live, but all-in-all he lived for about two years after his diagnosis. He died at about 6:30 in the morning on a weekday and for some reason (I think I might have been sick) I was sleeping with my mother at the time. My dad had his own bedroom because he had too much pain and this contraption inserted into his body that delivered the chemotherapy so they had separate bedrooms for a while. Anyway, my mother and I were awoken with a crash in the kitchen. My mom got up to see what was going on and a minute later she called out to me. "Veronica, come quick. It's your father!" My dad had pretty much just dropped dead. I hate to put it that way because it sounds dismissive, but there's no other way to describe it. So, there I was 16 and no father. Yes, this is why I have daddy issues. Whatever.
My brother died 10 years later when I was 26. My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease when he was about 14. He went through 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation before finally going into remission when he was 17. 6 years later Vini (short for Vincent) was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He fought it for several years before dying at the age of 28. He was my only brother and his death just devastated my mother.
My mom died a few years later in 2006. Like I said, the death of my brother destroyed her. They say there is no greater tragedy to go through than the death of a child, and you can certainly prove that by my mother. She had diabetes for most of my life, but had been able to control it with diet and medication. When Vini died her body started to systematically die too. She had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery. Then her kidneys shut down and she had to go for dialysis 3 times a week. I tried many times to convince the doctor to give her one of my kidneys but he said her she would not survive that kind of surgery. Mom's feet then became gangrenous and both of her legs had to be amputated. Watching my Mom, who was the most important person in the world to me, slowly slip away from me little by little was the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. She eventually died from all of her conditions and I was left alone.
People sometimes wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm so emotionally dead, why I have a hard time connecting with other people...this is why. My heart has been shattered to pieces by the deaths of my family. My mom dying, who was the person I loved most in this world and who loved me more than anyone else ever will, killed me. I've often felt guilt all my life because I've never had one single serious health issue. Not once. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Big deal. I'm the sole survivor of my family and I hate it. I have to admit that I often pray for my death. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm too Catholic for something like that, but I still pray to get sick and die. Well, not all the time. This is just an occasional depression that I slip into sometimes when I'm missing my family, but I do feel like this sometimes. I really have to struggle to give myself reasons that life is good sometimes. I guess now is one of those times.
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