Today's entry is going to be a little different in that it is going to be somewhat personal. I tweeted a joke earlier where I said "both of my parents passed away before giving me the 'sex talk'. Now I'll never know how it's done." Now this was a joke, but it's actually also the truth. My father died when I was 16 and my mother died just a few years ago in 2006. My older brother also died back in 1997. So now it's just me. The last remaining person of my family. I have cousins and aunts and uncles, but to me it's not quite the same thing. I sometimes feel like Kung Fu.
I'm probably one of the most contradictory people you could ever meet. I have a natural optimism but I also have serious bouts of depression since the death of my mother. I take that back I've been having depression since my mother's health began to deteriorate rapidly back in 2004 which also led to a lot of compulsive behavior such as internet addiction, insomnia, shopaholism, and terminal laziness. Prior to my mother getting sick I was at the top of my game. I had reached a very top level of my career in banking and had just been offered a management position with the company I was with which would have entailed relocating to California. It was like a dream come true. I think of it as "when I was rich." I was making excellent money, I have family around, I had lots of friends, a great boyfriend, an awesome car (relatively), and just about everything I needed. Then the bottom fell out and as Achebe tried to tell us "things fall apart".
Now I live in a state 1000 miles away from what remains of my family, I am currently unemployed because of the recession, I have a boyfriend who I see twice a week (if I'm lucky - long story), and my car is a piece of crap. I have made a couple of friends, but they live in different cities of CT and I never see them. Sometimes I get so depressed that I purposely revel in doing things that are bad for my health or ignore health problems because I just want something to kill me. I know that's a stupid thing to say, but it's just how I feel sometimes. Don't worry though. I am way to Catholic to ever take my own life. Too chicken too.
Keep in mind though that this is only how I feel some of the time. Most of the time I am optimistic. I know I will find an even better job in my field, or maybe even go into a different field because I am good at so many things. I just wish I knew what I really want to do with my life. Too bad I can't make some kind of living telling dirty jokes on twitter all day.
Okay, I am sick of myself whining. I need to go do something constructive like get some ice cream.
No comments:
Post a Comment