As you can see, I'm back. I don't know for how long or if this is a one-time thing, but I have so much to talk about right now. I hardly know where to start.
Well, the main topic is that I have a new job. I've just recently been hired as a regular full-time employee at the company I've been temping at for the last three and a half years. It was really hard getting in and I feel so happy and fortunate that I was finally able to make it happen. See, I don't yet have any degrees, but I'm smart and I've been in the finance industry since 1997 so I felt like my experience more than makes up for my lack of actual degree. I'm just glad they finally agree.
My recent success does come with one or two caveats though. See, about 6 months ago I had had it. I was sick of putting in my application and resume when a spot opened up and not even getting so much as an interview. My confidence was at an all time low and even though I liked the company I was ready to walk. I decided to have a lunch with a co-worker who was well respected on the floor and who was a friend who I know recognized the hard work I did and how smart I am. I asked her what I was doing wrong and how could I change my luck. She told me straight out that I had to come out of my shell and really start talking to other people and having lunches with the team managers and specialists so that they could get to know me. Now, this was a scary proposition for me because I'm quite shy and I also have an almost paralyzing fear or rejection, but I trusted her and decided to give her advice a shot. She, being one of the greatest people ever, helped me even further by making a list of all the people I need to invite to lunch.
This was around October or November and I decided to put the plan into effect in the new year as a resolution. In the meantime, I spent the rest of 2014 laying the ground work by cleaning up my act and dressing the part more. Little by little I started to build up my wardrobe and stopped going to work looking like a temp. I even started wearing make-up which sucked at first because it meant getting up a little earlier to do it. I also started going out of my way to be friendly, even just to say "good morning" to everyone or at the very least smiling. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it was because prior to this I spent a lot of time walking around with my head down trying to stay invisible. Now I had to do the opposite and try to get everyone to notice me.
Well, I did it and started inviting people to lunch. I'm pretty sure the first one, with the manager of the Mutual Funds team was a debacle. I was awkward and stupid and didn't know how to even begin to make a good impression on her. She was very nice and kind though and helped me along as much as she could. After that, it got a little bit easier until finally I had, had all the lunches with all of the managers and many of the specialists. I let them know about all of my banking experience, by customer service/call center background, all of the projects I had been on etc. I think some of them might have been a little impressed or, at the very least, surprised that I had all of this going for me and they never knew about it. I also had a meeting AND a lunch with my current manager, Jim, to make sure he was on my side and respected and appreciated my hard work. I told him that I wanted to be on the Account Services team and I asked him if I could count on his support. Honestly, I wasn't sure what his response would be, but as it turned out, he appreciated my work very much and was behind me 100%. He even gave me some tips and advice and was pleasantly surprised that I was networking with people on the floor.
Well, after many lunches and much networking I was able to land an interview and they also had me take a PSI test. This test is supposed to gauge how able a person would be to pass the FINRA Series 6 test to get licensed because having that license is mandatory on our floor. I took the test and I ended up getting 8 out of 10 on the verbal and 10 out of 10 on the math, averaging out to a total score of 9 out of 10 which apparently is excellent (I beg to differ as 8 out of 10 sounds not all that great to me, but I'm usually too hard on myself). I also, apparently nailed both the phone and in-person interviews and was offered a position. I was, and am, so excited!
The only thing that makes me feel a little bad is that I get the feeling that Jim is somewhat disappointed that I'm going to Account Services instead of his team (Cashiering). I wish this wasn't the case because I very much like him and, believe me, I would LOVE for him to continue to be my manager, but I started this entire process wanting to join the Account Services team. I did for a while consider trying to get on Cashiering, but in the end, when asked during my interview which team I would prefer I said Account Services. There are a few reasons why. I just feel that there are many woman on the AS team I admire and would love to work with, such as Ann, Lynn, and Courtney. Also, the work on Cashiering is close to banking, which at first, seemed like the perfect fit since I have a banking background, but then I felt that there was a reason that I haven't been applying to banks for the past three years so I was afraid that after the initial flush of being trained and getting up to speed it might not be as challenging as I would like it to be. I was afraid that by picking Cashiering I'd be playing it too safe. I really was split for a while which team to choose, but in the end I just had to go with my gut. I just really, really hope that Jim knows that my reasons are not personal and that I like and respect him so much. I'm so appreciative to him for his support and encouragement. I've tried to let him know all of this, but I just hope he really knows and believes it.
Anyway, who's to say what the future holds? One day I may decide to switch teams and go back home. Anything is possible.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Random Poem
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor
Crying for the loves I've lost
Loves that are dead
In an instant my world shattered
Will I ever hear your voice again?
I hear it in my head but is that you?
Or just my memory of you?
Crying for the loves I've lost
Loves that are dead
In an instant my world shattered
Will I ever hear your voice again?
I hear it in my head but is that you?
Or just my memory of you?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
No Words
Whenever I hear that someone I know has cancer, or if I see someone on twitter and tumblr saying they have cancer I always seem to freeze up. I mean, my heart completely goes out to them but I just never know what to say. On one hand, I know what they're going through. Not firsthand because I've never had it, but my entire life has been about illness. My brother had cancer, my father had cancer and heart disease, and my mother had diabetes. All of this happened when I turned 12. I had...nothing. I was always the healthy one. I had to sit back and watch the people I loved go through the fight of their lives.
Now I will readily and adamantly agree that their struggle was much worse than mine. They had to go through the pain the illness caused and the even greater pain the treatments caused. Still, it's not easy having to witness your family in so much pain, knowing there's nothing you could do about it. I couldn't help, I couldn't make it better, heck, I was just a little kid. I was confused and scared of losing them. It sucked.
The worst part is that it didn't all turn out all right. My father died when I was 16, my brother died 10 years later, my mom 9 years after that. As much as I would like to comfort and commiserate with someone who has cancer, because I feel like I'm an expert at it since I've had cancer in my world for most of my life, I just can't. If I try to tell them my experience with it, it would probably scare them more than anything. I don't have a story of cancer survival. All I have is a lonely existence where a family used to be.
So I say nothing because I don't know what else to do.
Now I will readily and adamantly agree that their struggle was much worse than mine. They had to go through the pain the illness caused and the even greater pain the treatments caused. Still, it's not easy having to witness your family in so much pain, knowing there's nothing you could do about it. I couldn't help, I couldn't make it better, heck, I was just a little kid. I was confused and scared of losing them. It sucked.
The worst part is that it didn't all turn out all right. My father died when I was 16, my brother died 10 years later, my mom 9 years after that. As much as I would like to comfort and commiserate with someone who has cancer, because I feel like I'm an expert at it since I've had cancer in my world for most of my life, I just can't. If I try to tell them my experience with it, it would probably scare them more than anything. I don't have a story of cancer survival. All I have is a lonely existence where a family used to be.
So I say nothing because I don't know what else to do.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
New Name
I think I finally found a new name for my blog. I've rechristened it "Through the Mirror of My Mind" to replace the old name which was "Veronica's Thoughts or Lack Thereof". I never liked that name so I really did need something else.
The name comes from the song "Reflections" by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I certainly hope anyone reading my blog (no one does) would be able to identify a Motown song. Motown music is like a little slice of heaven here on earth. Please, please, please start listening to it immediately if you don't already.
Anyway, so this is the new blog name unless I happen to think of something better.
The name comes from the song "Reflections" by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I certainly hope anyone reading my blog (no one does) would be able to identify a Motown song. Motown music is like a little slice of heaven here on earth. Please, please, please start listening to it immediately if you don't already.
Anyway, so this is the new blog name unless I happen to think of something better.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Death In the Family
I was thinking about my family today, though I think of and remember them most days, and I just couldn't help missing them so much. If you follow me on tumblr, you might have seen me call @haurdCider (tumblr softsoftcider) my brother. Truth is, that's bullshit. We've just been joking around telling people we're brother and sister, but we're not. We love each other like brother and sister, I mean we tell each other everything and we always support each other, but we're not related. No, I'm talking about my real family, who unfortunately, are no longer living.
My father died when I was 16. I guess he died of heart failure technically, but it was a result of the liver cancer he had had for years. He was terminal (obviously) and the doctors only gave him a couple of weeks to live, but all-in-all he lived for about two years after his diagnosis. He died at about 6:30 in the morning on a weekday and for some reason (I think I might have been sick) I was sleeping with my mother at the time. My dad had his own bedroom because he had too much pain and this contraption inserted into his body that delivered the chemotherapy so they had separate bedrooms for a while. Anyway, my mother and I were awoken with a crash in the kitchen. My mom got up to see what was going on and a minute later she called out to me. "Veronica, come quick. It's your father!" My dad had pretty much just dropped dead. I hate to put it that way because it sounds dismissive, but there's no other way to describe it. So, there I was 16 and no father. Yes, this is why I have daddy issues. Whatever.
My brother died 10 years later when I was 26. My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease when he was about 14. He went through 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation before finally going into remission when he was 17. 6 years later Vini (short for Vincent) was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He fought it for several years before dying at the age of 28. He was my only brother and his death just devastated my mother.
My mom died a few years later in 2006. Like I said, the death of my brother destroyed her. They say there is no greater tragedy to go through than the death of a child, and you can certainly prove that by my mother. She had diabetes for most of my life, but had been able to control it with diet and medication. When Vini died her body started to systematically die too. She had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery. Then her kidneys shut down and she had to go for dialysis 3 times a week. I tried many times to convince the doctor to give her one of my kidneys but he said her she would not survive that kind of surgery. Mom's feet then became gangrenous and both of her legs had to be amputated. Watching my Mom, who was the most important person in the world to me, slowly slip away from me little by little was the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. She eventually died from all of her conditions and I was left alone.
People sometimes wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm so emotionally dead, why I have a hard time connecting with other people...this is why. My heart has been shattered to pieces by the deaths of my family. My mom dying, who was the person I loved most in this world and who loved me more than anyone else ever will, killed me. I've often felt guilt all my life because I've never had one single serious health issue. Not once. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Big deal. I'm the sole survivor of my family and I hate it. I have to admit that I often pray for my death. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm too Catholic for something like that, but I still pray to get sick and die. Well, not all the time. This is just an occasional depression that I slip into sometimes when I'm missing my family, but I do feel like this sometimes. I really have to struggle to give myself reasons that life is good sometimes. I guess now is one of those times.
My father died when I was 16. I guess he died of heart failure technically, but it was a result of the liver cancer he had had for years. He was terminal (obviously) and the doctors only gave him a couple of weeks to live, but all-in-all he lived for about two years after his diagnosis. He died at about 6:30 in the morning on a weekday and for some reason (I think I might have been sick) I was sleeping with my mother at the time. My dad had his own bedroom because he had too much pain and this contraption inserted into his body that delivered the chemotherapy so they had separate bedrooms for a while. Anyway, my mother and I were awoken with a crash in the kitchen. My mom got up to see what was going on and a minute later she called out to me. "Veronica, come quick. It's your father!" My dad had pretty much just dropped dead. I hate to put it that way because it sounds dismissive, but there's no other way to describe it. So, there I was 16 and no father. Yes, this is why I have daddy issues. Whatever.
My brother died 10 years later when I was 26. My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease when he was about 14. He went through 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation before finally going into remission when he was 17. 6 years later Vini (short for Vincent) was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He fought it for several years before dying at the age of 28. He was my only brother and his death just devastated my mother.
My mom died a few years later in 2006. Like I said, the death of my brother destroyed her. They say there is no greater tragedy to go through than the death of a child, and you can certainly prove that by my mother. She had diabetes for most of my life, but had been able to control it with diet and medication. When Vini died her body started to systematically die too. She had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery. Then her kidneys shut down and she had to go for dialysis 3 times a week. I tried many times to convince the doctor to give her one of my kidneys but he said her she would not survive that kind of surgery. Mom's feet then became gangrenous and both of her legs had to be amputated. Watching my Mom, who was the most important person in the world to me, slowly slip away from me little by little was the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. She eventually died from all of her conditions and I was left alone.
People sometimes wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm so emotionally dead, why I have a hard time connecting with other people...this is why. My heart has been shattered to pieces by the deaths of my family. My mom dying, who was the person I loved most in this world and who loved me more than anyone else ever will, killed me. I've often felt guilt all my life because I've never had one single serious health issue. Not once. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Big deal. I'm the sole survivor of my family and I hate it. I have to admit that I often pray for my death. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm too Catholic for something like that, but I still pray to get sick and die. Well, not all the time. This is just an occasional depression that I slip into sometimes when I'm missing my family, but I do feel like this sometimes. I really have to struggle to give myself reasons that life is good sometimes. I guess now is one of those times.
What's In a Name?
I feel kind of bad because I haven't done much writing this weekend. I have posted a few things on twitter and tumblr, but nothing in what I'm now considering my "journal" and not much here either since Friday night. It's just been a weird weekend for me so far since my cousin Carol is out of town and I don't have any plans. Also, it's like 95 degrees outside and so, yeah, I'm not leaving the house.
So, I was thinking that I might want to change the name of this blog. I don't like it. I recently changed the name of my tumblr from "Veronica's Tumblr and Shit" to "Livin' La Vida Vodka". Much better, don't you think? Now I'd like to rechristen this blog, but I have no idea what to change the name to. I put a lot of myself on tumblr, but I put even more of myself on this blog, or at least that's the plan. The name should somehow capture the fact that this is my life, my thoughts, my writing, my ramblings etc. I'm not changing it until I have the perfect name, and I will know instantly the moment I find it.
So, I was thinking that I might want to change the name of this blog. I don't like it. I recently changed the name of my tumblr from "Veronica's Tumblr and Shit" to "Livin' La Vida Vodka". Much better, don't you think? Now I'd like to rechristen this blog, but I have no idea what to change the name to. I put a lot of myself on tumblr, but I put even more of myself on this blog, or at least that's the plan. The name should somehow capture the fact that this is my life, my thoughts, my writing, my ramblings etc. I'm not changing it until I have the perfect name, and I will know instantly the moment I find it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
If at first you don't succeed...
I was thinking about a meme that's going on over on tumblr that is quaintly called "resumeme" and basically has people list their prior positions. I considered posting mine, but only including my last job which was AVP of Quality Control in the Auto Loan Division of a major bank on the East Coast. It was my "dream job" and I was at the top of my game in my chosen career after working in the banking industry for 12 years. It was a relatively fast climb up the corporate ladder considering I started at the bottom, as a temp no less, in Wisconsin and then had to almost start over in Connecticut when I moved there in 2006. I was going to lament my bad fortune in being laid off because of the recession (the entire Auto Loan Division was shut down - no one was buying cars anymore and no one had good enough credit to get a car loan) and remark on how right now the only thing I can think of to do is possibly tend bar for a while. Then I realized, that it's not all the fault of the economy. I share a lot of the blame too. See, after losing my dream job which was just the latest in a series of life crushing events that befell me at the time, I pretty much gave up. Oh, I went through the motions of applying for other jobs at area banks, but who am I kidding? My heart wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in anything at that point. I've kind of been a zombie for the past couple of years because I couldn't find the energy to care about what happens to me.
How did all of this happen? My mom got sick, I had to leave my job, she died, I left the state,...all kinds of life altering events that culminated in me being stranded in a state where I didn't really know anyone, in a relationship that hadn't been working since day one, unemployed, and so unhappy I was silently screaming inside my head for the longest time.
The weird thing is how twitter kind of brought me back to life. Comedy brought me back to the world. Writing made me feel like a person again. Now, I don't know what's going to happen to me or what I'm going to end up doing, but I don't want the life I had before. I know I should, because it was a nice little life, but I don't want to try to put things back together and find that I'm not able to. That might be more disappointment than I can bear. I'd rather use this as a do-over. If I had to do it all over again, I would have stuck with writing, doing improv, and performing like I did when I was younger instead of taking the "easy" road and going into the business world.
Hey, I might suck at it, but what have I got to lose? They say life begins at 40...well, I plan to see if this is true or not.
How did all of this happen? My mom got sick, I had to leave my job, she died, I left the state,...all kinds of life altering events that culminated in me being stranded in a state where I didn't really know anyone, in a relationship that hadn't been working since day one, unemployed, and so unhappy I was silently screaming inside my head for the longest time.
The weird thing is how twitter kind of brought me back to life. Comedy brought me back to the world. Writing made me feel like a person again. Now, I don't know what's going to happen to me or what I'm going to end up doing, but I don't want the life I had before. I know I should, because it was a nice little life, but I don't want to try to put things back together and find that I'm not able to. That might be more disappointment than I can bear. I'd rather use this as a do-over. If I had to do it all over again, I would have stuck with writing, doing improv, and performing like I did when I was younger instead of taking the "easy" road and going into the business world.
Hey, I might suck at it, but what have I got to lose? They say life begins at 40...well, I plan to see if this is true or not.
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